I spent all morning writing a comparison for Immaculate and Poor Things that I still am not happy with so it’s going to sit in my drafts. However, as I attempt to take being a film critic seriously,I cannot just sit and twiddle over the same think piece over and over
and not produce content. Then I would fall into obscurity and my goal of becoming a world famous cosplay journalist would be ruined.
So I am choosing the lowest hanging fruit and instead am going to join the brigades of people shitting on Wish because not only do I need content, but this was one of those unique experiences where it took me four hours to get through this film and the encouragement from three separate family members and friends. What a horrible movie. This will contain spoilers and be more of a conversational piece, but I was so blown away by how bad this was.
Wish tells the story, and I use the word story loosely here, of Asha, a girl with the wish of…granting everyone in town’s wish. You see, the kingdom’s king, Magnifico, takes all the wishes from citizens when they are eighteen and puts them into bubbles in his castle. When you give Magnifico your wish, you then forget about it and hope he might grant it some day, despite you not knowing what the wish is. Asha essentially says that’s unfair, the king disagrees, she wishes upon a star and chaos ensues. I also use the term chaos loosely, because what actually ensues are some of the most boring scenes humanly imaginable followed by batshit insanity. Scenes will go from Asha and her family having a heartfelt moment where she reveals the grandfather’s wish to him, which is cute, fine — but then Magnifico will come in (spoilers ahead) out of NOWHERE and then crush Asha’s mother’s wish in front of her, and Asha’s mom clutches her chest like she’s having a heart attack like — WHAT?! The whiplash the scene transitions give me, more than even the shitty lyrics (poor Julia Michaels, who had no character backgrounds to pull from, no access to the writers’ room, and the craziest short deadlines to pump out all of these songs) are what convinced me this film was written by AI. Wish is a film that hits all the right beats on paper, but has no emotional weight or logic behind why things move from scene to scene. And if AI did not write this movie, someone needs to sit down with the writing team and discuss simple concepts like character motivations, plot continuity, simple…logic. Nothing in this movie makes any sense, and their attempts to pay homage to Disney films in the past had me laughing out loud which definitely was not the intended response.
For example, when Asha first learns about King Magnifico (this name makes me want to cry every time I type it) hoarding wishes and never granting some of them (her grandfather’s included), she decides to tell her grandfather over his birthday dinner. This is clearly referencing a scene in Mulan, where she confronts her father about going to war over dinner and he angrily sends her away so she can have her emotional turning point. Firstly, what a goofy comparison as the stakes in Wish are much lower (going to war versus your wish coming true), and secondly, when the grandfather reacts with similar anger (‘WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME A WISH THAT WILL NEVER COME TRUE?! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!’), I couldn’t help but start laughing — why is he mad at Asha? She’s only telling him what Magnifico said, yet he’s acting like she’s the reason it won’t come true. Not only that, why is he so angry he’s yelling? It’s a wish, dude.
ALSO Magnifico is about I would say 50 in this, yet the grandfather just turned 100 — how could Magnifico have taken his wish when he was 18? Also Magnifico founded the kingdom and only he can use magic, where did the rest of these people come from? Who was Magnifico beforehand? I know his family was attacked and killed, which is why he’s so paranoid (also something that is vilified here which is certainly an interesting choice, with how empathetically trauma has been dealt with in recent Disney films). Unless I am missing a crucial story point here which I very well own and could be, how is any of this possible?
Honestly, the characters in this are also such a mess, I couldn’t tell you anything about any of them except that they exist. Simon, voiced by Evan Peters, is a friend that betrays them at one point — but don’t worry, he says he’s sowwy and they forgive him in this rushed end scene that comes out of nowhere, especially considering only a scene ago we thought bunnies ate him or at the very least killed him.
Which….why? WHY?! He doesn’t even have to do anything to earn their trust back after he essentially sells them out to the king. The king’s evil turn also is out of nowhere, so it fits right into this movie. He sees magic (the star coming down to see Asha) and immediately says someone is trying to kill him, so he better just become fully evil just in case. I — like what am I supposed to take away from this? This whole conflict is over wishes not being granted, by the way, wishes that these people don’t even remember they made. Also, do people only ever have one wish their whole lives? I wish for eighty different things a day. Who are the people in this town? And is Disney really the place to be saying, ‘yeah, wishes don’t come true and magic won’t solve your problems’.
Sounds more like Nickelodeon’s mantra to me, but who am I?
But whatever, the characters are simple and boring and they honestly couldn’t even tell you why they’re there themselves. There’s one point where they sing a whole song about knowing what they know now and overthrowing the king, only for the VERY NEXT LINE AFTER THE SONG ENDS TO BE ‘So, what’s the plan?’
What, pray tell, was the point of the WHOLE FOUR MINUTE SONG that brings the plot to a screeching halt so they can vaguely tells us what they know now only to tell us that they don’t know anything and haven’t even come up with a plan?! Every song and it’s terrible lyrics are like that, they don’t move the plot along or even add anything, they just simply exist to be a pause for a “catchy” tune that was clearly meant to be played on the radio as it, like Greatest Showman, lacks any lyrics specific to the movie. Everything is vague and quippy, but with no sensical lyrics or motivation, so it just sucks the life out of you while you try and fathom what the fuck is going on.
Even thinking about this movie gives me a headache, so I will keep this review short.
Just watch Encanto for the billionth time and avoid this travesty. I’m going to try and get my comparison done and if I don’t well…at least I don’t have to watch Wish again.